Hitching One in the Bathroom Stall, Seat Up
by Paradigm of Writing
Summary: Ness never truly understood why his theory was working out, but nonetheless he wanted to try it. Made for a very interesting evening. Of course, he couldn't exactly give a reason to the janitor as to why he was cramped out in the bathroom after hours... but, dancing around it gave him a pretty good idea. Ness was on the prowl for love. This blonde haired janitor may be it.


**Hey everyone, Paradigm of Writing here with a new piece of mine called Hitching One in the Bathroom Stall, Seat Up! I thought of this one for awhile now, and I'm super excited to show you all. It's cute, may not go anywhere, or I may write extra chapters after I don't know. I guess you can call it romance, a friendship, whatever you want, but it's Ness x Lucas, so here we go!**

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"Come on, Ness, what's so difficult to understand about the request? At the very least, tell me _why_ you won't do it!"

A slight crackle accompanied the thoroughly annoyed voice of a speaker who should have been _long_ past fed up- but Red was experienced in dealing with Ness's theatrics, and hadn't yet given up on his friend.

"I understand perfectly well," Ness snapped back, into his shiny new IPhone. Jake had always said he should get a smart phone. "I just don't feel like explaining. Work it out for yourself."

"Let me get this straight," Red said patiently, tone of voice identical to one a parent might use with a particularly difficult child. "You're telling me to just _work out_ the logic you used in deciding to jet off to a location which, at this point in the conversation, _remains_ undisclosed. And just _how_ do you expect me to do this? With my overwhelming psychic abilities?"

"Well, that'd be a start…" Ness agreed, impossibly.

"Tell me where you are."

"No."

"Then give me something to work with- the street name? The part of town? The _color_ of the building you're in? Just give me something."

"You'll try to convince me to come back to the apartment," Ness whined, plaintively.

"That's what I'm doing right now," Red said flatly. "What would the difference be?"

"I'm in a bathroom." Ness didn't even bother indicating that he was giving in. Red was used to such concessions, by that point in their 'relationship.'

"And _where_ might this bathroom be?"

"Not important."

"Of course it's important!" Red usually tried to remain calm, at least when he was dealing with Ness. He was more than just a _bit_ of a drama queen, and he didn't tend to deal well with _other_ people's theatrics. Of course, he had no trouble at all pulling off theatrics of his own. It was just one of those _little_ things that made Ness who he was. Or that was what Red always told himself- in order to keep himself from _strangling_ his best and oldest friend. "Where _are_ you?"

"I don't really feel like talking about it any more."

"Ness, this is-"

Red should have known better. The cell phone line went dead.

At the other end, a slightly ruffled-looking young man- Ness- was turning a brand new phone off. He pocketed the silvery monstrous thing, burying it deep within the pockets of the oversized, goose-down filled black-and-white ski jacket he wore. Behind him, a row of hand dryers were perched at chest level on the tiled wall, the shiny white tiles Ness leaned against causing his onyx hair to stick to the wall, musing it further. His hair was just a _bit_ too long, and his rubbing against the tiled wall was _not_ helping its naturally ruffled appearance.

He hadn't lied to Red. He was in the men's bathroom on the main floor of one of the office buildings down town, accompanied by his sleeping bag, the overly warm winter coat he wore, and a school bag stuffed with 'essentials'. He was fully prepared to camp out in the bathroom, and there was nothing Red. or anyone else for that matter could do to stop him.

Red had called Ness on his cell phone at about five pm. At that point, many of the people in the office building had still been working, and while the bathroom hadn't been used excessively, the building itself hadn't yet emptied out. Several hours later, and Ness was more than aware of the building's emptiness, despite his being located in a downstairs bathroom. The government employees, were they present in the building, would be residing in offices on the upper floors of the building. Pushing up one black-and-white sleeve, he glanced down at the face of his expensive digital watch. A Christmas present- he'd only just graduated college the year before; he couldn't yet afford to "waste" money on expensive trinkets.

Eight-oh-four. If he hadn't come up with this _brilliant_ stake-out plan, he would currently be eating Chinese take-out with Red, in their tiny little sixteenth-floor apartment. It was a Friday evening, and the take-out thing was practically a sacred ritual. They hadn't skipped a Friday for the past two and a half years.

"I guess it's too late to go home and order out now," he murmured. There was no one there to hear him, but he hadn't heard _any_ voices, not even his own, for three whole hours. For someone as social as Ness, such a feat was unheard of. He _needed_ to hear someone's voice, even if that someone was only himself. Pah, what a loner.

Out of nowhere, he heard a rattling, like a noise which might be caused by wheels spinning. He'd been talking to himself, so he hadn't heard the approach of the wheels, but as whoever was in the hall outside drew closer, the sound of wheels against the tiled floor grew louder. It was a welcome break from the silence in the bathroom, save for the fact that the approach of a stranger _probably_ meant that he would have to argue his way out of being forcibly removed from the office building. It wasn't a pleasant prospect, but Ness hadn't expected 'permission' to hold his vigil of sorts to come easy. Big corporate types didn't seem to appreciate having 'little guys' wandering around their facilities at night- even if all Ness wanted was the use of the bathroom, nothing more.

Even as he was considering making up some sort of fantastic excuse as to why he and his sleeping bag were in the bathroom after hours, Ness heard the sound of wheels grind to a stop. He glanced up from the tiled bathroom floor, and watched as the door to the bathroom swung inwards. A pushcart piled high with all sorts of various cleaning supplies entered through the doorway first, followed swiftly by a young man in a dirty blue uniform.

Ness forgot his half-formulated excuse mid-sentence, and instead settled back against the wall to watch the man maneuver his cart more comfortably into the small open space in front of the line of sinks on the wall opposite him. He recognized the uniform easily as the standard issue for janitors at the company, but he was surprised to see that the young janitor was actually _wearing_ the silly blue cap that came with the uniform. Ness had always thought that anyone with half an ounce of good sense lost the cap on their first day. Beneath the cap, ferocious blonde hair spilled out. The man's eyes were an electric, chilling cerulean.

The man finished rolling his cart into position, locking the wheels in place and glancing up. Only then did he spot Ness. He started visibly, and then seemed to squint his eyes and stare closer, as if he wasn't certain whether or not a man with his sleeping bag was really there.

"Hey. Kid," the man finally said, leaning back away from the cart and idly placing one hand in one of his back pockets. "You sure you're supposed to be in here?"

"Kid?" Ness echoed, irritably. He'd have this janitor know that he was twenty-three years old, and an actual employee of the graphic design company that owned half the floors of the building- not just some random member of the _cleaning_ staff. He hopped to his feet, dusting himself off quickly before striding over to the blonde He leaned up in the guy's face, trying to disregard how much height the other man had on him. It wasn't Ness's fault he was short. "Who're you calling a kid?"

The man only blinked in response, apparently taken aback. For a moment, Ness thought the janitor might actually _laugh_ at him. "Whatever. So, _young man_ , are you sure you're supposed to be in here?"

"Of course I am," he insisted disdainfully. He leaned closer to the janitor, his annoyed expression still in place. "It still sounds like you're talking down to me," he complained. "And you're a _janitor_."

"So?" the man asked, surprising Ness. He'd never met a janitor who was actually content with his lot in life. Then again, he wasn't sure if he'd ever actually _met_ a janitor, period.

"So, that means you're stupider than me," Ness explained patiently.

"How do you figure that?"

Ness frowned, and leaned away from the man for a moment in order to think. This _janitor_ was actually doing about as well as _Red_ , in terms of putting up with him. Then again, they still hadn't been conversing for very long.

"I work for the graphic design company that owns half this place," Ness stated offhandishly, as if the accomplishment were no big deal. He _hoped_ this janitor knew just how big a deal it was. "That means I'm a _college graduate._ Do you know what that means?"

The man actually laughed. "You're a bastard, aren't you? That's great and all, and I guess the company wouldn't argue with having one of its employees taking a piss after hours, but I really have to get to work. Mind moving?"

Ness fumed. Red never called him _names_ , but even with the use of profanity taken into account, his janitor didn't seem too ruffled. Turning up his nose, he spun away from the man, moving to lean against the piece of a wall separating the sinks from the stalls that lined the rest of one side of the bathroom.

He continued to watch as the man turned away- as if Ness weren't even there! – and squeezed the water out of a mop in a bucket mounted in the bottom half of the pushcart. He stared at the pushcart-bucket curiously; it had an odd clamp of sorts, with rollers, which was what the man had used to squeeze the excess water out of the mop. As he watched, the man began to methodically mop up the floor of the bathroom.

"What's your name?" Ness asked suddenly, without moving from his position on the wall. He didn't want to get dirty mop water on his good work shoes.

"Lucas." the janitor supplied without the slightest of pauses. He didn't even turn around, or halt his mopping.

"Lucas," Ness echoed, wanting to say something biting, something that might actually get under the skin of this "Lucas." People weren't supposed to just _ignore_ him, or even accept him. They were supposed to take notice of him, and make it clear that they had done so. Failing to come up with anything suitably scathing, Ness merely muttered sarcastically, "What a _wonderful_ name."

"Glad you think so. What's yours?"

For a full minute, the only sound was the swish of the mop against the tiled floor. Stupid Lucas. He wasn't _anything_ like Red. At least when Red wasn't annoyed with Ness, he made it interesting. Ness thought that _everything_ should be interesting.

"Mine's Ness," he muttered, seeing as he was lacking a decent excuse not to supply his name. He wondered what Lucas would have said if he'd provided a fake name- would the dolt janitor have been able to tell? Well, if Ness had said something like "King Charles the Fifth," then probably… he didn't exactly look like dead royalty.

"And why are you in an office building bathroom after hours?"

"None of your business." Ness supplied pertly, fully intending to get back into his game. _He_ was the one who infuriated people, and _he_ was the one who'd be asking the questions.

"All right."

…So much for that brilliant plan.

"So you like being a janitor," Ness half-stated, half-questioned. So what if Lucas was a bit of an impervious asshole? He was still kind of cute- Ness had watched his hands moving when Lucas was clamping down on the mop, squeezing out the water. Lucas had nice hands. And a nice face. And a nice smile. And a nice... everything. Ooh boy, Red would be jealous.

"It pays well enough, for a blue-collar job. Part of that is probably the graphic design company. The corporate suits in this place are rather stuffy, but you artist types aren't too bad."

 _"If you're not a 'corporate suit'- obviously- and you're not an 'artist type'…"_ Ness pondered. "…then what type are you?" he asked aloud.

"Oh…" Lucas actually sounded a bit taken by surprise by the question. He even ceased his mopping, for all of fifteen seconds. "I don't know. I was just making a comment."

"I think you're the 'impervious asshole' type," Ness supplied decisively. He spoke so as to sound utterly serious, but was inwardly hoping that he might have finally scored a point on Lucas. "Would that work?"

The blonde blinked, shook his head, and laughed. He replaced his mop in its bucket, wrung it out again, and returned to mopping. "You're impossible- a real bastard. Did you stay after hours just to heckle the cleaning staff? No… If that was the reason, I would have run into you before."

Ness just grinned impishly- point or no, he was flattered. Lucas actually thought he'd go to all the trouble of camping out just to pester him and the other janitors? How sweet. "What's your star sign?"

Finally, the response Ness was aiming for. The janitor stopped mid-swipe with the mop, turned to face him, and offered him a thoroughly confused look.

"Star sign," he repeated slowly, drawing out the syllables. "Yes, you can definitely tell that _I_ am the college grad."

"More like preschool grad," Lucas said, but his tone was good-natured. Ness wasn't sure if he should be pleased to have irritated the man, or upset that he hadn't nettled Peter more. "So what the hell are you talking about- you can't _possibly_ be serious, can you?"

"Of course I'm serious," he purred, sounding disdainful at the same time. "Hasn't anyone ever tried to pick you up before?"

Once again, Lucas laughed. Ness was coming to like Lucas's laugh, even if he wasn't sure whether or not he actually liked Lucas. His laugh was warm and cheerful- the man himself was only lukewarm at best, and not nearly jovial enough. Of course, if Lucas _had_ been overly cheery and sunny… Ness might have had to put the man out of his misery.

"No, I can't say anyone's ever used that line on me before," Lucas admitted, shaking his head. He was still amused, and proceeded to mop around Ness as he spoke. "Usually they jump right to the usual, clichéd bad pick-up lines."

"Like what?" Ness bounced a bit on the balls of his feet; pick-up lines were always fun. He needed more of those- it always earned a _priceless_ look from Red, whenever he tried out his new lines. It wasn't like he'd actually use any of them if he were _serious_ about someone. Well… most likely he wouldn't.

"Did you know," Lucas began, tone of voice slow and deliberate. He replaced his mop in its bucket, clamping down on it so it wouldn't fall over, and moved over beside Ness. Continuing, he said, "the distance from _here_ to _here_ -" Lucas held out his right arm, touching first his wrist with his left pointer finger, then the inside of his elbow. "-is the same as the distance from _here_ to _here_."

On the third here, Lucas tapped Ness's shoulder- the one closer to Lucas- with his right hand. On the _final_ here, Lucas brought his hand across Ness's shoulders, settling it firmly, saying the "here," and tugging Ness close for a moment, in a one-armed hug. Lucas released Ness, and smirked.

"I do believe I've just been hit on," Ness pronounced, in a haughty falsetto. He brushed off both arms, as if he were worried that Lucas had dirtied him, and then laughed. "That's a new one. I'll have to use it on Red. He'll flip."

Lucas offered Ness a questioning look, as if to say "who is this Red?" but the black haired man ignored it. Shrugging it off, Lucas went back over to his cart, grabbing a few rolls of toilet paper, each wrapped in brown paper. Dripping wet, an aromatic puddle of sewers and feces swamped the restroom in such a _beautiful_ odor. If Ness didn't have the blonde haired janitor's face to stare at all day, he may have ran from the bathroom in a heartbeat.

"So you're a janitor." Ness said again, altering his voice as if he were interviewing Lucas for a new job.

The man just nodded, before stacking his toilet paper rolls in his arms and disappearing into one of the stalls. Ness followed immediately after him, standing right outside the stall.

"Are you _happy_ with your job?"

"Why?" Lucas grunted, replacing the empty toilet paper roll with a new one. He balled up the brown paper and pocketed it. "Are you dissatisfied with your job? Looking for a change of pace? You always could work with me- you'd be perfect for the job."

"Don't be a snot," Ness said haughtily. "I'll ask the questions here."

"What is this?" Lucas asked, breaking the sultry man's 'rule' as soon as it had been supplied. "Jeopardy?"

"Of course not," Ness scoffed. "It's… an interview. Yes, that's right, this is an interview. So look smart!"

Lucas just shook his head, brushing past Ness on his way out of the stall and ducking into the next one over. He reappeared moments later; apparently the toilet paper in that stall didn't require a change. "You're positively nuts, but I haven't got anything better to do while I work. 'Interview' away."

"How long have you been working for this company?" he questioned seriously.

"Five years." Lucas supplied easily. He was already in the third bathroom stall.

"And you're satisfied with your job?"

"I already answered that. It's a blue-collar job. It's crap, it's mindless, but I don't have to do strenuous physical labor, and the company pays well enough. I don't have any major arguments, no."

"Are you satisfied with your life in general?"

"What sort of a job interview question is that?"

"No questions," Ness snapped. Lucas was almost done replacing toilet paper rolls- he was in the last stall already. "Just answers. So answer!"

"Fine. Umm… I guess I'm satisfied with my life. The job pays well enough, the friends I'm in touch with are fine, and I've got a pretty nice apartment. Like I said, no major arguments."

"Interesting…" Ness murmured, humming to himself and stroking his chin, despite not having a beard there to play with. He wouldn't have liked a real beard, anyway- he hated the feel of stubble. Clean-shaven was definitely the way to go.

"What _is_ this?" Lucas asked again, laughing a bit. He brushed by Ness again, in order to dispose of the brown paper and empty toilet paper rolls.

"I told you. It's an interview. And you _aren't_ allowed to ask questions- that's my job."

"What if I don't play along?"

"No questions."

"Come on- what are you going to do if I just ignore you?"

"I'll break out my ritualistic Mayan dagger and chop off your nuts," Ness intoned in a foreboding tone of voice. His expression was perfectly sober, and he didn't sound anything but serious.

"Please tell me you're joking." Lucas said, trying to laugh it off. The raven haired man noted gleefully that the janitor's laughter was considerably weaker than before.

"Of course I am," Ness declared cheerfully, dropping the dark, serious expression. "I don't even have a ritualistic Mayan dagger."

"Good." Lucas said firmly, letting out what must have been a sigh of relief.

"It's an Aztec dagger. Wanna see?"

Ness laughed loudly as Lucas jerked, his spine stiffening. He finally had found a way to get through and score points on him. Threatening the guy's family jewels was probably a bit underhanded, but Ness had never claimed to play fair.

"Feel like 'playing along' now?" Ness asked pertly, spitting out each word in clipped tones, while smiling maniacally.

"Whatever you say." Lucas seemed to be trying to make his words a joke, but Ness could tell that he was still a bit off-put. He also noted that Lucas was walking just a _tad_ bit strangely when he moved back over to his cart. He was moving as if he were _protecting_ something. Ness's maniac grin widened.

"So… don't have a girlfriend, do you?"

"That's a bit personal, isn't it?"

"Lucas, I have two words for you. 'Ritualistic. Dagger.'"

"All right, all right. No, I don't have a girlfriend. Guys who work late nights mopping out bathrooms in deserted office buildings aren't always considered great catches."

"Of course not," Ness scoffed. "I knew you couldn't possibly be completely satisfied with this dead-end job."

"Don't be an ass."

"Don't be an ostrich."

He watched patiently as Lucas started, almost dumping a bit too much cleaning solution into the little yellow bucket he was holding. Ness figured he was about to clean the toilets or something. "What's that supposed to mean?" the janitor asked slowly.

Ness just grinned impossibly.

"All right, whatever, don't tell me." Lucas replaced the cleaning solution and began running water from the sinks into the bucket.

"Do you _want_ a girlfriend?"

"What's your prob- Okay, okay, I know. No questions. But honestly, I thought this was a job interview- asking about my love life is a bit personal."

"It's an incredibly well-paying job." Ness supplied without a pause.

"Fine. No. I don't really care if I'm seeing anyone."

"You're ly-ing," the playful man sing-songed.

"That's incredibly annoying."

"Ly-ing. Ly-ing. Lucas, you're _ly-ing_."

"You're just asking to be smacked with this soapy scrubbing brush, aren't you?"

"Actually, I was asking whether or not you _really_ care that you're single. I'm asking the questions, remember? And you completely care- I can read it in your posturing, even. You poor, poor, sexually frustrated man."

Lucas glanced over his shoulder from where he was about to enter a second bathroom stall. Peeking into the first out of the corner of one eye, Ness caught a glimpse of a sparkly clean-looking toilet. At least Lucas was good at what he did. Of course, the look he shot Ness in looking back at him was rather… perplexed. He smirked.

"I'm good, aren't I?"

"Isn't the 'interview' over yet? I don't suppose you could _possibly_ still be considering giving me this 'job' at this point."

"Actually, you're still very much in the running. Have more faith in yourself."

Lucas shot Ness a glare, and strode into the third stall.

"How much money do you make a year, anyway?"

"I'd prefer not to say. It's enough for one person to live off of, if that's worth anything."

"Spoilsport."

"I'm just surprised that you're not threatening me with that nonexistent dagger of yours again."

"Good point…" Ness murmured a bit deviously.

"Ness. That wasn't a suggestion."

"… Lucas?"

He ignored Ness for a few moments. He was almost done scrubbing the toilets. Finally, "What?"

"That was the first time you actually used my name."

"Yeah. Cute. Whatever."

"No, seriously. You pass the test. You're definitely still a bit of an impervious ass, and while you might be kind of cute, you're not _really_ my type… But we could definitely still be friends!"

Lucas finished scrubbing the final toilet. He slowly turned, and exited the stall. He emptied the bucked of cleaning solution in the sink, rinsed it out, and replaced it on his cart. Only _then_ did he turn to face Ness, who had followed him back over to the pushcart. "You're insane."

"Of course I am," Ness chirped. Swiftly, he popped over to his bag of "essentials"- still propped against the wall with the hand dryers, where he'd left it- and pulled a pen out of one of the side pockets. The pen was purple. And glittery. He reappeared by Lucas's side. "You're done cleaning, right?"

"Yeah."

"So you're leaving the bathroom, right?"

"Yeah… Aren't you?"

"No, actually, but that's not the point. Hand, please."

"Why- Okay, okay, I know. I'm not supposed to ask questions, especially not when they displease His Highness. Here."

Lucas held out his hand. He grabbed it, holding Lucas's fingers in place with his left hand, so that the smooth back of Lucas's hand was turned upwards. He uncapped his pen with his teeth.

"Please tell me you're not about to do what I _think_ you're about to do."

Ness ignored him; instead, he wrote his name in careful, sparkly-purple print, with his phone number appearing just below that. He admired his handiwork for a moment, and then dropped Lucas's hand. Grinning maniacally again, he folded his hand like a phone, held it up by his ear, and mouthed "call me." Lucas shook his head, looking unsure of what to say.

"Now do mine." Ness shoved his hand out, the back facing up and the pen gripped between his fingers.

"What'll you do if I- Okay, I get it by now. Hold still." Despite his swift truncation of the question, Lucas continued to smile good-naturedly as he wrote his number out on Ness's hand.

"Good," Ness purred. "Now get out there and clean more bathrooms!"

Again, all Lucas could do was to shake his head in disbelief. "You really are impossible, aren't you? You're still a bastard, of course, but now you're a pretty damn persistent bastard- perceptive, too, I suppose."

Ness just grinned. He loved praise.

The janitor returned his pen, shook his head one last time, and wheeled his pushcart back out the bathroom door. The janitor stopped mid wheel, his body half way through the door frame. "You know," he started. "I'll call you. Sure. Why not?"

Ness watched him go, before returning to sitting on his sleeping bag under the row of hand dryers. He stared at the sparkly purple writing on his hand for a few moments, before retrieving his shiny new silver IPhone. He keyed in Lucas's number and saved it to his contacts list.

Of course, Ness had no intention of calling Lucas. He'd been fun to play with, if a bit hard to manipulate at first, but he really wasn't Lucas's type. That was why Ness was there, after all. He was fed up with his job, his life, his friends. Well, friends minus Red. Red was just too much fun to be fed up with. Ness had decided he needed a change. And, though as he sat there in that bathroom stall, he thought to himself maybe one more time, huh, perhaps _I_ should call him.

He knew that holing up in the lobby's men's restroom in the building owned by the graphic design company he was busy being fed up with probably wasn't the best way of going about obtaining a change- unless the desired change was getting fired- but it _was_ a very Ness-like maneuver.

Ness's theory was that, every day, dozens of different people entered and exited bathrooms. Bar-crawling wasn't his style- bars were too loud, too smoky, and too stifling. He didn't stand out in bars- no one ever noticed his self-proclaimed wit. He kicked off his shoes and crawled into his sleeping bag. He knew for a fact that the lights in the bathroom would shut off automatically in- he checked his watch- exactly one hour and seventeen minutes. He didn't feel like waiting that long to sleep, so he tugged his sleeping bag over his head.

Ness had a busy day coming up, after all. His little vacation of sorts was only just beginning- there were still _dozens_ of prospective candidates to interview.

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 **I know that ending is ambiguous, but I may, just maybe may decide to continue with a second chapter detailing what could happen next. Prospects, anyone? If you want me to continue this, let me know! Have a wonderful day everyone! Love you all!**

 **~ Paradigm**


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